Serving God Through Humanity

Before You Say I Do!

Marriage is a very important milestone in the life of many. It thus has a great effect on the trajectory of ones life in terms of friendship, extended family relationships, spiritual and mental well being, career progression, parenting and lots more. For this reason, it is pertinent that due diligence is done when one is contemplating whether to say 'I Do'. What then are the vital issues to give careful thought to?

Deen/Righteousness
Good Character
Loving attitude
Not being wayward/committing zina
Ability/willingness to bear children
Contentment
Compatibility
Beauty

in addition, it is important for one to refine his/her intention. Why do you want to get married, is it for the sake of Allah so you can fulfil half your deen and guard your chastity and help each other to get to paradise or just because all of your contemporaries are married? This is really pertinent as the prophet (PBUH) said

'The reward of deeds depends on the intentions, so whoever emigrated for the worldly benefits or to marry a woman, his emigration was for that for which he emigrated, but whoever emigrated for the Sake of Allah and His Apostle, his emigration is for Allah and His Apostle' Sahih al-Bukhari, Book of Revelation, Vol. 1, Book 1, Hadith 1

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying:

A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status. her beauty and her religion, so try to get one who is religious, may you then be successful

Sunan Abi Dawud, Book of Marriage, Book 12, Hadith 2.

Narrated Thawban that the Prophet (PBUH) said

'Let one of you acquire a thankful heart, a tongue that remembers Allah and a believing wife who will help him with regard to the Hereafter.

Sunan Ibn Majah, The Chapters on Marriage, Vol. 3, Book 9, Hadith 1856.

Narrated Al-Haakim and Abu Na’eem from Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (PBUH) said:

Four things are part of happiness: a righteous wife, a spacious abode, a good neighbour and a comfortable mount. And four things are part of misery: a bad wife, a bad neighbour, a bad mount and a small abode.

Saheeh al-Jaami’ Hadith 887.

Narrated Abu Hurayrah, it was said to the prophet (PBUH): 'Which woman is best?' He said:

The one who makes him happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he commands her, and she does not go against his wishes with regard to herself nor her wealth.

Sunan an-Nasa'i, The Book of Marriage, Vol. 4, Book 26, Hadith 3233

Narrated Abu Hurayrah, the prophet PBUH) said:

When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and abounding discord (Fasad).

Jami` at-Tirmidhi, The Book on Marriage, Vol. 2, Book 6, Hadith 1084

N.B

Ask Pertinent questions. Never think it is unromantic to ask questions. Asking questions and listening carefully to the answer is the main means of getting information and knowing about a person. Some important things to ask about are:

-family background and quality of family relationship

-past relationships and why they failed

-religious philosophy

-professional and career goals

-morals and ethics

Make your relationship known to families for ethical reasons. Let the would be spouse be introduced to the family.
When talking over the phone, assume that there is a third person listening for ethical reasons.
As the sun goes down, let the phone go down to avoid falling into the traps of shaytan.
Observe your would be spouse in social setting for their character and composure.
Don't ignore the reality by living in fantasy. Watch out for the signs of potential problems and never ignore them e.g, avoiding talking about his past, school or family; difference in educational background/ambition; difference in religious background; significant age difference.

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